The Way We Talk About Abortion Matters: One Key to Better Conversations

How I Messed up

It was Thanksgiving and I was sitting in my parents’ living room, chatting comfortably with family members. The conversation was fairly mild when someone suddenly said something that stopped me in my tracks. I don’t recall the exact words, but it was something along the lines of “Those people should never have had kids; they are too poor.”

I found this statement to be somewhat controversial, to say the least. In the moment, I was surprised and disgusted, and I said something like, “That's a terrible thing to say. That argument is used to justify sterilization and abortion. You're saying those children shouldn't have been born.”

Needless to say, that conversation did not end well. Not only did this family member come away from this discussion thinking I was a jerk, she was not at all willing to try and look at my point of view; in fact, she was a lot less willing to consider my point of view than she was before the discussion. I was also angry about it for a long time. After all, everything I had said had been true, and she was crazy for not seeing it. Right?

The Problem

How often does this scenario happen with abortion? You’re having a casual conversation with family or friends when suddenly someone brings up abortion. Maybe it’s, “Did you hear about the pro-life march happening in Utah? What exactly do they think they’re going to accomplish?,” or “The Church just made a statement about abortion, and I think it’s ridiculous,” or even “I just can’t believe there are people who want to take away a woman's right to choose.” 

If you have stage fright (like I do), or people pleasing tendencies (like I do), suddenly being confronted with a controversial topic can put you in fight or flight. For most of us, these are the default responses:

1. React angrily, defensively, or combatively (like I did in the above example). (Fight)

Really though, why shouldn’t we be angry? Abortion is a human rights violation on a massive scale. Convincing someone of the immorality of abortion (especially another Latter-Day Saint!) should be as easy as sharing the Church’s stance on abortion and maybe reciting the arguments used by your favorite, online debater.

2. Say nothing or change the subject. (Flight)

After all, they’re family, and is it really appropriate or helpful to say anything at all? I don’t know about you, but I hate it when controversial topics come up over Thanksgiving dinner or at a family reunion. Do I really want to subject everyone else at the table to that? And don’t even get me started on when controversial topics come up at work. 

But the real question is: do these approaches work?

Remember, our ultimate goal is to help the preborn, and one of the most important ways we can do that is by helping to change minds about abortion. How do we want the pro-life movement presented, and what approach will actually be effective in changing someone's mind? Well, unfortunately, saying nothing or changing the subject doesn’t work, and, as I learned with my experience above, someone is highly unlikely to change his or her mind when we respond defensively, condemningly, or by making assumptions about someone's beliefs before we've actually listened to what he or she has to say.

No matter how logical our arguments, aggressive responses just don’t work. Dale Carnegie said it well: “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.” Frankly, this goes for alllll of us in one way or another; it certainly isn't relegated to pro-choicers. 

The Key I Needed (and Maybe You Need It, Too):

So what is the solution? How do we respond to someone who defends abortion without compromising truth, and without driving away the person we are talking to? You can actually take entire classes, or read entire books on this subject, but for this article I’m going to leave one tip that I have found super helpful.

Here’s my #1 tip: choose to connect

Choose connection over contention—or fear. Put away that fight or flight and ask the other person a question: “Can you tell me more about why you think that?”

This little question sends a message of respect; it tells the other person that, while you may disagree with what they are saying, you are sincere in wanting to understand their point of view, willing to listen to what he or she has to say, and there to have a discussion, not a fight. I’ve found that, in many cases, once a question like this has been asked and the initial fight or flight is gone, a discussion can emerge naturally and allow you both to be more open-minded. Even if the person doesn’t change his or her mind right then (and let’s face it, it’s pretty unusual for someone to change his or her mind after one conversation), you have presented the pro-life view in a way that was positive, respectful, and reasonable. 

For Instance: What If…

What if I had responded this way in my example above? After my family member said, “They should never have had kids; they are too poor,” let’s pretend that I had paused and then asked, “Can you tell me more about why you think that?”

I know this family member well, and I’ve had some time to understand what she was actually trying to say. But if I had asked a question like this right off the bat, I would have found it out sooner and spared us both a negative experience. After considering for a moment, this family member probably would have said something to the effect of, “I just think that all kids deserve a really good life, and it makes me upset that they have had so little growing up.” 

This doesn’t change the fact that her original statement was wrong, but it reframes her concern into something entirely understandable. And then the discussion could continue from there.

Takeaways

To sum it up, our way of talking about abortion is important. It can make the difference between a dismissal and a willingness to try to understand. It can plant a positive view of the pro-life movement in someone’s mind and eventually lead to change. I’ve found this to be effective in big and small ways in my own conversations. Try this out. Next time you’re in a situation like this, choose connection, not fight or flight. One little change can make a big difference. 

What do you think? Comment if you think this approach might be effective and feel free to share this article on social media!